In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained through our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (S.H.I.T.). We are trying to give employees more S.H.I.T. than anyone else. (more…)
These are some of our favourite pranks to pull on colleagues. They are all great and very simple to pull off!
When two (or more) people are working at desks that are put next to each other, switch their telephone cords. With all those cables lying around it will take some time before they find that one out!
Put a peice of onion or a clove of garlic inside the mouthpiece of a phone. Give it some time for it to fester and build up a strong odor. Then call them and keep them on the phone for as long as possible.
One Point Dares
- Ignore the first five people who say ‘good morning’ to you.
- To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears and grimace.
- Leave your fly open for one hour. If anyone points it out, say, “Sorry, I really prefer it this way”.
- Walk sideways to the photocopier.
If you have to write a letter of recommendation for a fired employee, here are a few suggested phrases:
For the chronically absent:
“A man like him is hard to find.”
“It seemed his career was just taking off.”
For the office drunk:
“I feel his real talent is wasted here.”
“We generally found him loaded with work to do.”
“Every hour with him was a happy hour.”
Due to budget constraints, the following policies have been established regarding employees travellling on official business:
- Hitchhiking in lieu of commercial transport is the preferred choice.
- Fluorescent safety vest, safety flags and safety cones (fore and aft) will be issued to all employees prior to their departure on company business.
- Bus transportation will be used whenever hitchhiking is not possible. Airline tickets will only be authorized for purchase in extreme circumstances and the lowest fare will be used. For example, if a meeting is scheduled in Chicago, but a lower fare can be obtained to Sarnia, then the meeting will be relocated to Sarnia.
These are (allegedly) actual quotes taken from Federal Government employee performance evaluations. Some of them may be useful for your own use!
- Since my last report, this employee has reached rock-bottom and has started to dig.
I would not allow this employee to breed.
This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won’t be.
You’ve been in corporate life too long when ….
You ask the waiter what the restaurant’s core competencies are.
You decide to re-org your family into a “team-based organization.”
You refer to dating as test marketing.
You can spell “paradigm.”
Astrology tells us about you and your future simply by your birthday. The Chinese Zodiac uses the year of your birth. Demographics tell us what you like, dislike, whom you vote for, what you buy and what you watch on television.
Well, the Corporate Horoscope goes a step further: simply by your job title, people will have you all figured out…
MARKETING: You are ambitious yet stupid. You chose a marketing degree to avoid having to study in college, concentrating instead on drinking and socializing – which is pretty much what your job responsibilities are now. Least compatible with Sales.