Here are our favourite short jokes. Updated frequently. If you have a short joke, a joke of the week, a joke of the day or other short clean jokes that will make us laugh then send it in and maybe it will appear here too!
A bartender says, “We don’t serve time travellers in here.”
A time traveller walks into a bar.
“I bought my wife an electric guitar yesterday”
“A Fender ?”
“No, she loved it…”
I met a transvestite from Greater Manchester today.
He had a Wigan address 😀
How many dyslexics does it take to change a lightbulb?
I was offered 8 legs of venison for £200 today.
Is that just too dear? 😀
I took the shell off my racing snail to make it go faster. If anything, it’s more sluggish now! 😀
What’s a Tarka Dall? It’s like any other Dall, just a little otter! 😀
Someone stole my anti-depressants. Whoever they are, I hope they’re happy! 😀
“Push pineapple shake the tree”
Interviewer: What’s your special power?
Interviewer: Well that’s not going to help!
Me: Yes I can see that now! 😀
And whose cruel idea was it for the word “Lisp” to have an “S” in it? 😀
For some reason it only takes me 5 minutes to walk to my local pub, but over 20 minutes to walk back! The difference is staggering! 😀
A coffin? That’s the last thing I need! 😀
Officer: “I’m arresting you for downloading all of Wikipedia.”
Man: “No wait! I can explain everything!”
I have a nerdy maths joke but I’m 2² to share it 😃
In the Canary Islands there are no canaries. Same story in the Virgin Islands. No canaries there either! 😀
I met my wife through the new Tesco dating service. I got a bag for life! 😀
Understand paranoid people better by following one around! 😀
During the war, my Grandad survived Mustard Gas and Pepper Spray attacks. He’s considered a seasoned veteran! 😀
If you boil down your funny bone, does it become a laughing stock? 😀
I used to be a Human Cannonball. Until I was fired! 😀
Dogs can’t read X-rays! But cats can! 😀
I told my wife she drew her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised! 😀
I thought my orthopaedic shoes wouldn’t work. I stand corrected! 😀
A slice of apple pie is $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in the Bahamas. These are the pie rates of the Caribbean! 😀
My daughter screeched, “Daaaaaad, you haven’t listened to one word I’ve said, have you!?” What a strange way to start a conversation with me… 😀
My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right! 😀
I don’t like lollypop ladies. Not sure why … They just make me cross! 😀
What do you call a dog that does magic? A labracadabrador! 😀
I just ordered a chicken and an egg on Amazon. I’ll let you know! 😀
There are two types of people in the world: 1. Those that can extrapolate from incomplete data. 😀
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song? 😀
A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight, live longer than the men who mention it. 😀
I just dropped my phone in mayonnaise. Bloody hellman! 😀
If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry? 😀
My wife wants me to have sex with her on the bonnet of her Honda Civic, But if I’m going to have sex like that, it’ll be on my own Accord! 😀
I tripped over my wife’s bra. It was a booby trap! 😀
How many thriller writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two – one gets it almost all the way in, then the other comes along and applies a surprising twist at the end. 😀
How many Freudians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two – one to screw in the lighbulb and one to hold the boobs. I mean ladder! 😀
Yesterday evening I had to change a lightbulb, a bit later on I crossed the road. Then I walked into a bar. My life is a joke. 😀
I hate being bi-polar. It’s AMAZING! 😀
I used to be in a Band called ‘The Dead Badgers’.
We did Middle of the Road type stuff, mainly.
Without a doubt, my favourite Robin Williams movie is Mrs Fire. 😀
People keep asking me to stop naming Bruce Willis movies. But you know what they say, old habits pulp fiction. 😀
I hate autocorrect, it always makes me say things I didn’t Nintendo! 😀
Apparently you can’t use “beefstew” as a password. It’s not stroganoff. 😀
When chemists die, do they barium? 😀
Two scientists walk into a bar. The first scientist orders an H2O. The second scientist orders an H2O too. The second scientist dies 😀
When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble. 😀
The guy who invented predictive text passed away yesterday.
His funfair will be next monkey 😀
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me! 😀
Recent research reveals that 6 out of 7 dwarves are not Happy 😀
I tried to catch some fog. I mist. 😀
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst. 😀
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. 😀
This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore. 😀
I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I can’t put it down. 😀
Guess who I bumped into at Specsavers today? 😀
I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words .. 😀
They told me I had type A blood, but it was a type-O. 😀
My wife says I only have two faults! I don’t listen, and ur something else! 😀
A Brummie walks into a tailors, “Alroit mate, I’d like a 70’s suit please.” The tailor says, “Certainly sir, and would you like a kipper tie?” The Brummie says, “Thanks mate, white with two sugars please” 😀
A pizza is basically a real time pie chart of how much pizza is left! 😀
What did Sting get in Amsterdam? A massage in a brothel! 😀
Remember when plastic surgery was a taboo subject? Now you mention Botox and nobody even raises an eyebrow! 😀
A man got run over by a red lorry, a yellow lorry, then another red lorry, then another yellow lorry. Police said there was no easy way to tell his family! 😀
Why does the Norwegian Navy put barcodes on the sides of their warships? So that when they return from battle they can … Scandanavian! 😀
Theresa May’s cabinet ‘not in crisis’ confirms Justice Secretary Barry from Eastenders. 😀
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane. 😀
To person at a fancy dress party: What have you come as?
Hmm, you’re a bit small for a harp
Are you calling me a lyre?
I used to date an air stewardess from Helsinki.
I dropped her off at work one day and she just vanished into Finnair…
I went to the zoo at the weekend
It only had one animal
It was a dog
It was a shih tzu!
Knock knock. Who’s there? Europe …. (try also …. What’s up, Done Up, Need up, Smell up, Eat up) 😀
Did you hear about the dyslexic pimp who bought a warehouse? 😀
This dyslexic bloke walks into a bra … 😀
Heard about the dyslexic athiest who didn’t believe there was a dog? 😀
Or the dyslexic devil worshipper who sold his soul to Santa? 😀
Least visited website ever – www.dyslexia.com 😀
DNA = National Association of Dyslexics 😀
Shouldn’t hemorrhoids really be called asteroids? 😀
When I heard they had found a cure for dyslexia it was like music to my arse! 😀
Schizophrenia – beats being alone! 😀