Here are our favourite short jokes. Updated frequently. If you have a short joke, a joke of the week, a joke of the day or other short clean jokes that will make us laugh then send it in and maybe it will appear here too!
My mate told me he failed his exam in Aboriginal music.
I said “Did ya redo it?” 😀
Viagra. It won’t make you James Bond, but it might make you Roger Moore! 😀
Me: Is it weird to talk to yourself?
Me: No! 😀
Just back from the fishmongers and the guy in front of me bought ALL the crabs, mussels and lobsters. Shellfish bastard! 😀
I sleep much better naked.
Why can’t flight attendants understand that? 😀
Never in the history of calming down, has anyone ever calmed down, by being told to Calm Down! 😀
If you were a child when “Red, Red Wine” was released ….
UB40ish now! 😀
What’s the first band you’ll see when Lockdown is over?
Mine’ll be a bloody Gastric one! 😀
Did you know a fear of giants is called Feefiphobia? 😀
Turns out, when people ask you who your favourite child is, you’re supposed to pick one of your own! Oops! 😀
Do gun owner’s manuals have a Troubleshooting section? 😀
You can tell an Alligator from a Crocodile based on whether it sees you again later or in a while! 😀
Is Atheism a non prophet organisation? 😀
Did you know Muffins spelled backwards is what you do when you take them out of the oven? 😀
Fun fact: People from Dubai don’t like The Flintstones. But those from Abu Dhabi do! 😀
I wonder if the person who invented the phrase “Jumping on the bandwagon” got really annoyed when everyone started using it? 😀
Sure, skydiving is scary but … have you ever been to someone’s house and the toilet won’t flush? 😀
Apparently it’s rude to poke someone in the forehead and say “Skip Intro” when they start talking to you! 😀
We all know where the Big Apple is, but does anyone know where the Minneapolis? 😀
Never compliment a woman on her moustache.
No matter how epic it is! 😀
My wife asked me why I spoke so quietly in the house.
I said I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!
Siri laughed ….. 😀
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here 276 years and not noticed anything strange! 😀
One of my biggest faults is … when I ask someone their name, I forget to listen to what their name is! 😀
Can’t believe I got fired on my very first day as a signwirter! 😀
“I like your personality”
Me: “Thanks, I have like 3 more!” 😀
Women love it when you kiss their neck .. just not when they’re driving … and you’re in the back seat … and they don’t know you! 😀
I finally did it! I bought a pair of shoes with memory foam insoles. No more forgetting why I walked into the kitchen! 😀
I was going to post a time travel joke … but you lot didn’t like it! 😀
I need to re-home a dog. It’s a small terrier and barks a lot. Let me know if interested and I’ll jump over my neighbour’s fence and get it for you! 😀
Uncle Ben has died. No more Mr Rice Guy! 😀
Not all Maths jokes are bad! Just sum! 😀
Accordion to scientists, it is possible to slip a musical instrument into a sentence without people noticing! 😀
Want to get noticed?
Go jogging without moving your arms! 😀
A Covid test nurse asked me if I’d had a sudden loss of taste!
I told her “No I’ve always dressed like this!” 😀
My kid: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: Like what?
My kid: Like if I don’t clean my room a portal will open up and take me to another dimension.
Me: Well that’s what happened to your older brother.
My kids: What older brother?
Me: Exactly! 😀
What I if told you …
You read the first line wrong? 😀
I’m opening a school for cattle farmers. You herd it here first! 😀
My wife’s leaving me because of my terrible spelling. I might have guest! 😀
Enter new password:
Password must contain a capital:
> chickenkiev 😀
Just had my Christmas Dinner.
Those slow cookers are crap! 😀
Me: God I’m hungry!
Horse: (Nervously) Ur how hungry exactly? 😀
The other half asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything! 😀
Me: My credit card won’t work
Cashier: Strip facing this way
Me: (Unbuttoning shirt) Can’t I just pay in cash? 😀
A weasel walks into a bar.
The Bartender says “What can I get you?”
“Pop” goes the weasel! 😀
Elton John has bought his pet rabbit a treadmill for lockdown.
It’s a little fit bunny! 😀
So if you believe in reincarnation, instead of RIP on your gravestone, do you put BRB? 😀
The Beach Boys walk into a bar.
Get a round?
I’ll get a round … 😀
I lost my pizza cutter so I used a Bryan Adams CD.
It cuts like a knife! 😀
A genie granted me a single wish.
I said I just wanted to be happy.
Now I live in a cottage with 6 other dwarves and work down a bloody mine! 😀
If we run out of Doctors and Nurses the Government will use vets.
Have you seen how vets take your temperature?
Stay home! Stay safe! 😀
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me in Tesco last night.
Luckily my injuries were only super fish oil! 😀
I can tell someone’s judgemental just by looking at them! 😀
I stumbled into bed last night and she said “You’re drunk”!
I asked her how she knew.
She said “You live next door”! 😀
Thanks so much to the person who taught me the meaning of ‘Plethora’.
It means a lot! 😀
Sitting here in ER in a lot of pain. Don’t want to go into details but the “Dyson ball cleaner” is a very misleading product name! 😀
Wanna know the secret to getting your partner to go “Mmmmmmmm mmmmmmmm mmmmmm….” all night long?
Duct tape! 😀
After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriend’s bra off, I’ve given up!
I wish I’d never put it on now! 😀
Did the person who invented the phrase “one hit wonder” ever invent any other catch phrases? 😀
My dyslexia has reached a new owl! 😀
I told my doctor I have a problem with my left ear.
He said “Are you sure?”
I said “Yes I’m definite” 😀
This bloke asked me if I’d any idea where he could get a new wig from.
I said “not off the top of my head!” 😀
My wife and I have decided we don’t want children.
We’ll probably tell them over dinner this evening! 😀
I stopped at some traffic lights today, right next to an RAC van.
The driver was crying and talking to himself.
I thought “He’s heading for a breakdown!” 😀
I paid a carpenter up front to make me a double bed and the bastard’s done a bunk. 😀
If you’re sitting in public and a stranger sits next to you … just stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?” 😀
Put your hand up if you hate getting tricked into taking a survey! 😀
I’m proud to say I’ve just released my own fragrance! Sadly nobody else in the car liked it much! 😀
I woke up this morning and discovered I’d turned into a cat! Don’t ask meow! 😀
To the thief who stole my glasses … I will find you … I have contacts! 😀
9 months before I was born I went to a party with my Dad and left with my Mum! 😀
Your fingers have fingertips but your toes don’t have toetips. Yet you can tiptoe, but not tipfinger! Just saying! 😀
Why is ‘abbreviation’ such a long word? 😀
Someone suggested I try horse manure on my rhubarb.
I have to admit .. I still prefer custard! 😀
Is a double negative a definite no-no? 😀
Tried cross breeding a bull terrier with a shitzu. Guess what? 😀
Just imagine how exciting it must have been for Barn Owls when humans invented barns! 😀
Why do you never see the headline “Psychic wins lottery”? 😀
A man has been found guilty of overusing commas. The judge warned him to expect a very long sentence! 😀
How to cook the correct amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need.
2. Wrong! 😀
I hate spelling errors. You just mix up two letters and your whole post is urined! 😀
My wife asked me to pass her the lip balm but I gave her the superglue instead!
She’s still not talking to me! 😀
How do you write “do not touch” in braille? 😀
So in retrospect, in 2015 not a SINGLE person got the answer right to “Where do you see yourself 5 years from now?” 😀
I just told my suitcases that we won’t be going away this year. Now I’m dealing with all the emotional baggage! 😀
One big difference between men and women is if a woman says “smell this” to you, it usually smells nice! 😀
Accidentally went to the supermarket on an empty stomach. I’m now the proud owner of aisle 3! 😀
Dyslexics of the world untie! 😀
Has COVID-19 forced you to wear a mask & glasses together? If so, you may be entitled to condensation! 😀
Insomnia is awful, but on the plus side only three more sleeps till Christmas! 😀
On Monday we start Diarrhea Awareness Week.
Runs until Friday! 😀
I rang my wife from the shop cos I’d forgot what orange juice she wanted.
‘Concentrate’ she said, but I still couldn’t remember 😀
Greggs have announced a new delivery service using drones.
All sounds a bit pie in the sky to me! 😀
My Indian friend died of a heart attack last night.
Must have had a dodgy Tikka. 😀
I asked Arnold Schwarzenegger what his favourite Christian festival is.
He said, “Have to love Easter, baby.” 😀
Me: “Doctor, you’ve got to help me. I’m addicted to Twitter!”
Doc: “I don’t follow you … ” 😀
I can’t believe I forgot to go to the gym again yesterday.
That’s 20 years in a row! 😀
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”? 😀
I’m worried about one of my testicles.
It’s quite a bit bigger than the other two. 😀
My little Spanish nephew can’t even say “please”
That’s poor for four… 😀
A thesaurus is “Great”. There’s no other word for it! 😀
I don’t always have time to fold laundry. But when I do … I don’t!! 😀
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”? 😀
I went to visit a Psychic
I knocked on the front door and she yelled “Who is it?”
So I left! 😀
My Dad suggested I register for a Donor Card.
A man after my own heart! 😀
The guy who invented Autocorrect has died. May he roast in piss! 😀
Someone told me that I don’t know how to shave properly! Bloody cheek! 😀
“Propaganda” is what Cockneys do when they really look at something! 😀
I told my Mum I’d made a car out of spaghetti, but she didn’t believe me!
You should have seen her face when I drove pasta.😀
My four year old son has been learning Spanish all year and he still can’t say the word for ‘please’.
Which I think is poor for four! 😀
I went on a positive thinking course today …
It was crap.😀
“I’ve just injected steroids into my arm”
“No, just my arm” 😀
How do you keep an idiot in suspense? 😀
A bartender says, “We don’t serve time travellers in here.”
A time traveller walks into a bar. 😀
“I bought my wife an electric guitar yesterday”
“A Fender ?”
“No, she loved it…” 😀
Me: I’m terrified of the vertical axis
Me: [ SCREAMS ] 😀
I met a transvestite from Greater Manchester today.
He had a Wigan address 😀
How many dyslexics does it take to change a lightbulb?
I was offered 8 legs of venison for £200 today.
Is that just too dear? 😀
I took the shell off my racing snail to make it go faster. If anything, it’s more sluggish now! 😀
I remember my father fondly.
Funny name for a man! 😃
What’s a Tarka Dall? It’s like any other Dall, just a little otter! 😀
Someone stole my anti-depressants. Whoever they are, I hope they’re happy! 😀
“Push pineapple shake the tree” 😀
Interviewer: What’s your special power?
Interviewer: Well that’s not going to help!
Me: Yes I can see that now! 😀
And whose cruel idea was it for the word “Lisp” to have an “S” in it? 😀
For some reason it only takes me 5 minutes to walk to my local pub, but over 20 minutes to walk back! The difference is staggering! 😀
A coffin? That’s the last thing I need! 😀
Officer: “I’m arresting you for downloading all of Wikipedia.”
Man: “No wait! I can explain everything!” 😀
I have a nerdy maths joke but I’m 2² to share it 😃
In the Canary Islands there are no canaries. Same story in the Virgin Islands. No canaries there either! 😀
I met my wife through the new Tesco dating service. I got a bag for life! 😀
Bad news for dyslexics in October … all their cocks go black! 😀
Understand paranoid people better by following one around! 😀
During the war, my Grandad survived Mustard Gas and Pepper Spray attacks. He’s considered a seasoned veteran! 😀
If you boil down your funny bone, does it become a laughing stock? 😀
I used to be a Human Cannonball. Until I was fired! 😀
Dogs can’t read X-rays! But cats can! 😀
I told my wife she drew her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised! 😀
I thought my orthopaedic shoes wouldn’t work. I stand corrected! 😀
A slice of apple pie is $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in the Bahamas. These are the pie rates of the Caribbean! 😀
My daughter screeched, “Daaaaaad, you haven’t listened to one word I’ve said, have you!?” What a strange way to start a conversation with me… 😀
My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right! 😀
I don’t like lollypop ladies. Not sure why … They just make me cross! 😀
What do you call a dog that does magic? A labracadabrador! 😀
I just ordered a chicken and an egg on Amazon. I’ll let you know! 😀
There are two types of people in the world: 1. Those that can extrapolate from incomplete data. 😀
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song? 😀
A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight, live longer than the men who mention it. 😀
I just dropped my phone in mayonnaise. Bloody hellman! 😀
If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry? 😀
My wife wants me to have sex with her on the bonnet of her Honda Civic, But if I’m going to have sex like that, it’ll be on my own Accord! 😀
I tripped over my wife’s bra. It was a booby trap! 😀
How many thriller writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two – one gets it almost all the way in, then the other comes along and applies a surprising twist at the end. 😀
How many Freudians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two – one to screw in the lighbulb and one to hold the boobs. I mean ladder! 😀
Yesterday evening I had to change a lightbulb, a bit later on I crossed the road. Then I walked into a bar. My life is a joke. 😀
I hate being bi-polar. It’s AMAZING! 😀
I used to be in a Band called ‘The Dead Badgers’.
We did Middle of the Road type stuff, mainly. 😀
Without a doubt, my favourite Robin Williams movie is Mrs Fire. 😀
People keep asking me to stop naming Bruce Willis movies. But you know what they say, old habits pulp fiction. 😀
I hate autocorrect, it always makes me say things I didn’t Nintendo! 😀
Apparently you can’t use “beefstew” as a password. It’s not stroganoff. 😀
When chemists die, do they barium? 😀
Two scientists walk into a bar. The first scientist orders an H2O. The second scientist orders an H2O too. The second scientist dies 😀
When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble. 😀
The guy who invented predictive text passed away yesterday.
His funfair will be next monkey 😀
The guy who invented predictive text died yesterday.
May he rust in piss! 😀
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me! 😀
Recent research reveals that 6 out of 7 dwarves are not Happy 😀
I tried to catch some fog. I mist. 😀
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst. 😀
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. 😀
This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore. 😀
I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I can’t put it down. 😀
Guess who I bumped into at Specsavers today? 😀
I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words .. 😀
They told me I had type A blood, but it was a type-O. 😀
My wife says I only have two faults! I don’t listen, and ur something else! 😀
A Brummie walks into a tailors, “Alroit mate, I’d like a 70’s suit please.” The tailor says, “Certainly sir, and would you like a kipper tie?” The Brummie says, “Thanks mate, white with two sugars please” 😀
A pizza is basically a real time pie chart of how much pizza is left! 😀
What did Sting get in Amsterdam? A massage in a brothel! 😀
Remember when plastic surgery was a taboo subject? Now you mention Botox and nobody even raises an eyebrow! 😀
A man got run over by a red lorry, a yellow lorry, then another red lorry, then another yellow lorry. Police said there was no easy way to tell his family! 😀
Why does the Norwegian Navy put barcodes on the sides of their warships? So that when they return from battle they can … Scandanavian! 😀
Theresa May’s cabinet ‘not in crisis’ confirms Justice Secretary Barry from Eastenders. 😀
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane. 😀
To person at a fancy dress party: What have you come as?
Hmm, you’re a bit small for a harp
Are you calling me a lyre? 😀
I used to date an air stewardess from Helsinki.
I dropped her off at work one day and she just vanished into Finnair… 😀
I went to the zoo at the weekend
It only had one animal
It was a dog
It was a shih tzu! 😀
Knock knock. Who’s there? Europe …. (try also …. What’s up, Done Up, Need up, Smell up, Eat up) 😀
Did you hear about the dyslexic pimp who bought a warehouse? 😀
This dyslexic bloke walks into a bra … 😀
Heard about the dyslexic athiest who didn’t believe there was a dog? 😀
Or the dyslexic devil worshipper who sold his soul to Santa? 😀
Least visited website ever – www.dyslexia.com 😀
DNA = National Association of Dyslexics 😀
Shouldn’t hemorrhoids really be called asteroids? 😀
When I heard they had found a cure for dyslexia it was like music to my arse! 😀
Schizophrenia – beats being alone! 😀