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Rednecks – A Beginner’s Guide

Rednecks - A Beginner's Guide

Dining Out

  • When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to “bruise” the fruit of the vine.

  • If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.

Entertaining In Your Home

  • A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.

  • Do not allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners are.

Personal Hygiene

  • While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one’s OWN truck keys.

  • Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days.

  • However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.

  • Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman’s jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.

Dating (Outside the Family)

  • Always offer to bait your date’s hook, especially on the first date.

  • Be aggressive. Let her know you’re interested: “I’ve been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago.”

  • Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; Others might say “Monday.” If the latter is the answer, it is the man’s responsibility to get her to school on time.

Theatre Etiquette

  • Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.

  • Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can’t hear you.


  • Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.

  • Kissing the bride for longer than 5 seconds can get you shot.

  • For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.

  • Though uncomfortable, say “yes” to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

Driving Etiquette

  • Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.

  • When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.

  • Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.

  • When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.

  • Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

Tips For All Occasions

  • Never take a beer to a job interview.

  • Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.

  • It’s considered tacky to take a cooler to church.

  • If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.

  • Even if you’re certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

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