Peter Kaye One Liners

Wise words?

• I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with ‘Guess’ on it. I said, Thyroid problem?
• When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realized that The Lord doesn’t work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.
• My mom was a ventriloquist and she always was throwing her voice. For ten years I thought the dog was telling me to kill my father.
• I’ve often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can’t get my wife to go swimming.

• I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don’t get on with my real ladder.
• I went to a restaurant that serves ‘breakfast at any time’. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
• Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names. But one day I turned to my bullies and said – ‘Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me’, and it worked! From there on it was sticks and stones all the way.
• My Dad used to say ‘always fight fire with fire’, which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.
• Sex is like a game of bridge: If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.
• I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, Six should be enough.’
• If we aren’t supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of meat?
• I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.
• You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither.

Good Questions

• Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
• If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the core of the earth?
• Why can’t women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
• Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your arse?
• Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic’?
• Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
• Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
• Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp no one would eat?
• Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
• Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, ‘I think I’ll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out’?
• What do people in China call their good plates?
• Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don’t point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
• What do you call male ballerinas?
• Why is a person that handles your money called a ‘Broker’?
• If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
• If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
• Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?
• Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
• Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog’s face, he gets mad at you but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out of the window?

Universal Truths

• Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.
• At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.
• One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.
• You’ve never quite sure whether it’s ok to eat green crisps.
• Everyone who grew up in the 80’s has entered the digits 5378008 into a calculator
• Reading when you’re drunk is horrible.
• Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.
• You’re never quite sure whether it’s against the law or not to have a fire in your back garden.
• Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.
• You never know where to look when eating a banana.
• Its impossible to describe the smell of a wet cat.
• Prodding a fire with a stick makes you feel manly.
• Rummaging in an overgrown garden will always turn up a bouncy ball.
• You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.
• Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your school.
• the most embarrassing thing you can do as schoolchild is to call your teacher mum or dad.
• The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the first given opportunity.
• Some days you see lots of people on crutches.
• Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee, flushed half way through and then raced against the flush.
• Old women with mobile phones look wrong.
• Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.
• Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.
• You never ever run out of salt.
• Old ladies can eat more than you think.
• You can’t respect a man who carries a dog.
• There’s no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you’ve got your hand or head stuck in something.
• No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers.
• Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had their arm broken by a swan.
• The most painful household incident is wearing socks and stepping on an upturned plug.
• People who don’t drive slam car doors too hard.
• You’ve turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood specifically to stir paint with.
• Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose.
• Bricks are horrible to carry.
• In every plate of chips there is a bad chip.
• Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.