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Performance Evaluation Quotes

These are (allegedly) actual quotes taken from Federal Government employee performance evaluations. Some of them may be useful for your own use!

  • Since my last report, this employee has reached rock-bottom and has started to dig.
  • I would not allow this employee to breed.

  • This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won’t be.

  • Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.

  • When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet.

  • This young lady has delusions of adequacy.

  • He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

  • This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

  • This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better.

  • Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.

  • A gross ignoramus — 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.

  • He doesn’t have ulcers, but he’s a carrier.

  • I would like to go hunting with him sometime.

  • He’s been working with glue too much.

  • He would argue with a signpost.

  • He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room.

  • When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell.

  • If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he’s the other one.

  • A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.

  • A prime candidate for natural de-selection.

  • Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.

  • Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn’t coming.

  • He’s got two brains cells, one is lost and the other is out looking for it.

  • If he were any more stupid, he’d have to be watered twice a week.

  • If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you’d get change.

  • If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.

  • It’s hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.

  • One neuron short of a synapse.

  • Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled.

  • Takes him 2 hours to watch ’60-minutes’.

  • The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.

 

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