You’ve lived in London too long when …
- You say “The City” and expect everyone to know which one.
- You have never been to The Tower or Madame Tussauds, but love Brighton.
- You say “The Tower” and expect everyone to know which one.
- You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Shepherds Bush to a pub in Elephant & Castle at 15:30 on Friday, but can’t find Dorset on a map.
- Prostitutes and homeless people are invisible.
- You step over people who collapse on the tube.
- You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
- You’ve considered stabbing someone.
- Your door has more than three locks.
- You consider eye contact an act of overt aggression.
- You call an 8×10 plot of patchy grass a garden.
- You know where Karl Marx is buried.
- You consider Essex the countryside.
- You’re paying £1,200 a month for a flat the size of a walk-in wardrobe and you think it’s a bargain.
- You pay more each month to park your car than most people in the UK pay in rent.
- You haven’t seen more than twelve stars in the night sky since you went camping as a kid.
- You own hiking boots and a 4WD vehicle, neither of which have ever touched dirt.
- You pay £3 without blinking for a beer that cost the bar 28p.
- You have 27 different take-out menus next to your telephone.
- The UK west of Heathrow is still theoretical to you.
- You’re suspicious of strangers who are actually nice to you.
- You haven’t cooked a meal since helping Mum last Christmas with the turkey.
- Your idea of personal space is no one actually standing on your toes.
- £50 worth of groceries fits in one paper bag.
- You have a minimum of five worst-cab-ride-ever stories.
- You don’t hear sirens anymore.
- You’ve mentally blocked out all thoughts of the city’s air quality and what it’s doing to your lungs.
- Your house cleaner is Russian, your grocer is Korean, your deli man is Israeli, your landlord is Italian, your favourite bartender is Irish, your favourite diner is Greek, the watch-seller on your corner is Senegalese and your favourite falafel guy is Egyptian.
- You wouldn’t want to live anywhere else until you get married.
If you’re an American guy and you’ve lived in London for a while, you know it’s too long when …
You don’t even bother looking out of the window when you get up in the morning to check what the day is like. You know it is overcast.
Wearing a suit in a pub is relatively normal attire.
You can’t remember what ‘customer service’ means.
After a big night out you find yourself looking for a Curry house, and not a 24 hour McDonalds.
You start to accept queuing as a way of life.
More than three hours sunlight on summer days seems excessive.
You always call soccer ‘football’ … and you have a team…and it’s not Manchester United.
You don’t think twice about buying a packaged sandwich.
A sunny lunchtime means searching for a patch of grass and stripping off practically down to your underwear.
You accept (albeit reluctantly) that men who cut, comb and style their hair using hair products are not necessarily gay.
You think 20 quid for a haircut is quite reasonable.
You finish every sentence with ‘Cheers’ and/or ‘Yeah?’.
You only just realise you have lost your sunglasses – you left them in Greece 2 summers ago.
You start thinking English cuisine isn’t all that bad after all, I mean, it’s hard to beat a full English breakfast.
You are on to your 6th umbrella and your second overcoat.
You buy a disposable baby BBQ from Argos.
You realise your sunscreen is the stuff you originally brought from home with you.
A day at the beach means wearing the warmest clothes you own while standing on golf ball-size pebbles and the thought of swimming doesn’t even enter your head.
You actually say, “Sor’ed”, “It’s all gone a bit pear shaped” or “A’right?”.
You believe that Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday and Saturday are all good nights for drinking. Sunday day is also entirely reasonable.
You have given up explaining why you are half an hour late to work as no-one notices or cares.
Coming to work with a hangover is entirely accepted and indeed expected at least once a week.
You think twice about giving up your seat on the tube to a pregnant woman or elderly person.