Life after University

Things that change when you leave ….

• 6:00 am is when you get up, not when you go to sleep
• Having sex in a single bed is absurd.
• You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

• You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.
• You don’t volunteer for clinical trials at the local hospital.
• You know all of the people sleeping in your house.
• You hear your favourite song in the lift at work.
• Informative TV does not include Richard and Judy.
• The bank manager doesn’t write threatening letters any more.
• You carry an umbrella.
• Seven-day benders are no longer realistic.
• You don’t go to Tesco with all your friends.
• You have standing orders and direct debits.
• The heating works in your house.
• Your friends marry and divorce instead of get together and break-up.
• You pay the government thousands of pounds every year.
• You go from 130 days of holidays to 20.
• Jeans and a jumper no longer qualify as ‘dressed up’.
• You’re the one calling the police because those damn kids next door won’t turn down the stereo.
• You get out of bed in the morning even if it’s raining.
• Washing up is not an annual ritual.
• Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
• You don’t know what time the kebab shop closes anymore.
• Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
• You feed your dog ‘Pal’ instead of McDonalds.
• You don’t get ideas for drinks from local tramps.
• You don’t put half-finished curries in the fridge to eat later.
• You don’t spend half your day strategically planning pub crawls.
• You “hate scrounging students”.
• You no longer have a strange attraction to road signs when drunk.
• Sleeping in the lounge is a no-no.
• You can’t persuade your flatmates to ‘Drink till dawn’.
• You don’t spend Wednesday afternoons in the pub.
• You always know where you are when you wake up.
• You no longer take naps from noon to 6 p.m.
• A fire in the kitchen is not a laugh.
• You go to the chemist for Panadol and antacids, not condoms and pregnancy test kits.
• A £3 bottle of wine is no longer ‘pretty good stuff’.
• You can remember the name of the person you wake up next to.
• Your fantasies of having sex with three women with lesbian tendencies are replaced by fantasies of having sex with anyone.
• You don’t have mice living in your kitchen.
• Grocery lists are longer than pot noodles & cans of lager.
• You don’t go to Liquor Save to buy Vodka.
• You have vacuumed.
• Breaking the law means doing 40 in a 30 zone.
• ‘I just can’t drink the way I used to’ replaces ‘I’m never going to drink that much again’.
• Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
• You don’t experiment with banned substances.
• You don’t get drunk at home, to save money, before going to a pub.
• Lunchtime is not ‘the morning’.