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Life after University

Things that change when you leave ….

  • 6:00 am is when you get up, not when you go to sleep
  • Having sex in a single bed is absurd.
  • You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

  • You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.
  • You don’t volunteer for clinical trials at the local hospital.
  • You know all of the people sleeping in your house.
  • You hear your favourite song in the lift at work.
  • Informative TV does not include Richard and Judy.
  • The bank manager doesn’t write threatening letters any more.
  • You carry an umbrella.
  • Seven-day benders are no longer realistic.
  • You don’t go to Tesco with all your friends.
  • You have standing orders and direct debits.
  • The heating works in your house.
  • Your friends marry and divorce instead of get together and break-up.
  • You pay the government thousands of pounds every year.
  • You go from 130 days of holidays to 20.
  • Jeans and a jumper no longer qualify as ‘dressed up’.
  • You’re the one calling the police because those damn kids next door won’t turn down the stereo.
  • You get out of bed in the morning even if it’s raining.
  • Washing up is not an annual ritual.
  • Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
  • You don’t know what time the kebab shop closes anymore.
  • Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
  • You feed your dog ‘Pal’ instead of McDonalds.
  • You don’t get ideas for drinks from local tramps.
  • You don’t put half-finished curries in the fridge to eat later.
  • You don’t spend half your day strategically planning pub crawls.
  • You “hate scrounging students”.
  • You no longer have a strange attraction to road signs when drunk.
  • Sleeping in the lounge is a no-no.
  • You can’t persuade your flatmates to ‘Drink till dawn’.
  • You don’t spend Wednesday afternoons in the pub.
  • You always know where you are when you wake up.
  • You no longer take naps from noon to 6 p.m.
  • A fire in the kitchen is not a laugh.
  • You go to the chemist for Panadol and antacids, not condoms and pregnancy test kits.
  • A £3 bottle of wine is no longer ‘pretty good stuff’.
  • You can remember the name of the person you wake up next to.
  • Your fantasies of having sex with three women with lesbian tendencies are replaced by fantasies of having sex with anyone.
  • You don’t have mice living in your kitchen.
  • Grocery lists are longer than pot noodles & cans of lager.
  • You don’t go to Liquor Save to buy Vodka.
  • You have vacuumed.
  • Breaking the law means doing 40 in a 30 zone.
  • ‘I just can’t drink the way I used to’ replaces ‘I’m never going to drink that much again’.
  • Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
  • You don’t experiment with banned substances.
  • You don’t get drunk at home, to save money, before going to a pub.
  • Lunchtime is not ‘the morning’.

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