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You live in London when ...
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- You say "The City" and expect everyone to know which one.
- You have never been to The Tower or Madame Tussauds, but love Brighton.
- You say "The Tower" and expect everyone to know which one.
- You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Shepherds Bush to a pub in Elephant & Castle at 15:30 on Friday, but can't find Dorset on a map.
- Prostitutes and homeless people are invisible.
- You step over people who collapse on the tube.
- You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
- You've considered stabbing someone.
- Your door has more than three locks.
- You consider eye contact an act of overt aggression.
- You call an 8x10 plot of patchy grass a garden.
- You know where Karl Marx is buried.
- You consider Essex the countryside.
- You're paying £1,200 a month for a flat the size of a walk-in wardrobe and you think it's a bargain.
- You pay more each month to park your car than most people in the UK pay in rent.
- You haven't seen more than twelve stars in the night sky since you went camping as a kid.
- You own hiking boots and a 4WD vehicle, neither of which have ever touched dirt.
- You pay £3 without blinking for a beer that cost the bar 28p.
- You have 27 different take-out menus next to your telephone.
- The UK west of Heathrow is still theoretical to you.
- You're suspicious of strangers who are actually nice to you.
- You haven't cooked a meal since helping Mum last Christmas with the turkey.
- Your idea of personal space is no one actually standing on your toes.
- £50 worth of groceries fits in one paper bag.
- You have a minimum of five worst-cab-ride-ever stories.
- You don't hear sirens anymore.
- You've mentally blocked out all thoughts of the city's air quality and what it's doing to your lungs.
- Your house cleaner is Russian, your grocer is Korean, your deli man is Israeli, your landlord is Italian, your favourite bartender is Irish, your favourite diner is Greek, the watch-seller on your corner is Senegalese and your favourite falafel guy is Egyptian.
- You wouldn't want to live anywhere else until you get married.
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