- Sign in a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS
- In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY
PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN
- Outside a farm:
HORSE MANURE 50p PER PRE-PACKED BAG 20p DO-IT-YOURSELF
- In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND
STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD
- On a church door:
THIS IS THE GATE OF HEAVEN. ENTER YE ALL BY THIS DOOR.
(THIS DOOR IS KEPT LOCKED BECAUSE OF THE DRAFT. PLEASE
USE SIDE DOOR.)
- English sign in a German cafe:
MOTHERS, PLEASE WASH YOUR HANS BEFORE EATING
- Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES ETC.
WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?
- Sign outside a new town hall which was to be opened by the Prince of Wales:
THE TOWN HALL IS CLOSED UNTIL OPENING. IT WILL REMAIN CLOSED AFTER
BEING OPENED. OPEN TOMORROW.
- Outside a photographer's studio:
OUT TO LUNCH: IF NOT BACK BY FIVE, OUT FOR DINNER ALSO
- Seen at the side of a Sussex road:
SLOW CATTLE CROSSING. NO OVERTAKING FOR THE NEXT 100 YRS.
- Outside a disco:
SMARTS IS THE MOST EXCLUSIVE DISCO IN TOWN. EVERYONE WELCOME
- Sign warning of quicksand:
QUICKSAND. ANY PERSON PASSING THIS POINT WILL BE
DROWNED. BY ORDER OF THE DISTRICT COUNCIL.
- Notice sent to residents of a Wiltshire parish:
DUE TO INCREASING PROBLEMS WITH LETTER LOUTS AND VANDALS,
WE MUST ASK ANYONE WITH RELATIVES BURIED IN THE GRAVEYARD TO
DO THEIR BEST TO KEEP THEM IN ORDER.
- Notice in a dry cleaner's window:
ANYONE LEAVING THEIR GARMENTS
HERE FOR MORE THAN 30 DAYS WILL BE DISPOSED OF.
- Sign on motorway garage:
PLEASE DO NOT SMOKE NEAR OUR PETROL
PUMPS. YOUR LIFE MAY NOT BE WORTH MUCH BUT OUR PETROL IS.
- Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS
- Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR
- Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT,
THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE FIRST FLOOR
- Notice in a field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD
FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES
- Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS
- Sign on a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD
ON THE DOOR - BELL DOESN'T WORK)
- Sign at Norfolk farm gate:
BEWARE! I SHOOT EVERY TENTH TRESPASSER AND THE
NINTH ONE HAS JUST LEFT
- Spotted in a toilet in a London office block:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW.
