The following are actual excerpts from classified sections of city newspapers.

• Illiterate? Write today for free help.

• Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.

• Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.

• Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.

• Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.

• Stock up and save. Limit: one.

• Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.

• 3-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.

• Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.

• Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.

• Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00

• For sale: antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

• Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.

• We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.

• For sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.

• Great Dames for sale.

• Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.

• Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.

• Get rid of aunts. Zap does the job in 24 hours.

• Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.

• For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.

• Man, honest. Will take anything.

• Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated. Come here first.

• Christmas tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.

• Wanted: Hair cutter. Excellent growth potential.

• Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.

• Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.

• Wanted. Widower with school age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.

• And now, the Superstore-unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.

• We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00.