Voicemail messages

The other thing I get bored with in an office environoment is getting people's voicemail messages. Especially those that start with "please listen to this message".

These are much more fun - I like 1 and 10 best. If you know more, add them to the comments for others to enjoy.

1. Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money


2. Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right...real slowly. So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth we'll get back to you.


3. "Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets."


4. My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.


5. (Narrator's voice:) There Dale sits, reading a magazine. Suddenly the telephone rings! The bathroom explodes into a veritable maelstrom of toilet paper, with Dale in the middle of it, his arms windmilling at incredible speeds! Will he make it in time? Alas no, his valiant effort is in vain. The bell hath sounded. Thou must leave a message.


6. "Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through the office and don't need their picture taken. They are also VERY happy with their current phone service. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you."


7. The College Special. A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So leave a message.


8. He-lo! This is Sa-to. If you leave message, I call you soon. If you leave sexy message, I call sooner!


9. "If you are a burglar calling to check, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave us a message."


10. "Hi. I am probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you."


11. You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. Your voice patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored for later use. Once this is done, our computers will be able to use the sound of YOUR voice for literally thousands of illegal and immoral purposes. There is no charge for this initial consultation. However our staff of professional extortionists will contact you in the near future to further explain the benefits of our service, and to arrange for your schedule of payment. Remember to speak clearly at the sound of the tone. Thank you."

I'm out of the office ....

It's summer holiday time and half the emails I send get me an "Out of Office" reply. Great for email marketers - at least you know they are being delivered. But aren't they dull?

Here are some I enjoyed - if you have others, stick them in the comments. I can think of a person that could use each one of these! Can you?

1. I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. I may be a little moody so be prepared.
2. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.
3. Sorry to have missed you, but I am at the doctor's having my brain removed so I can be promoted to our management team.
4. I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from vacation. Please be patient, and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.
5. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged £5.99 for the first 10 words and £1.99 for each additional word in your message.
6. The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again.
   ( The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over.)
7. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.
8. Hi, I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.
9. I've run away to join a different circus.
10. I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as "Sally" instead of "Steve"

Choosing your Website name

What does your website name say about your company? Well in the case of the following - not quite what the company owners had in mind!

These are all legitimate companies that didn't spend quite enough time considering how their online names might appear - and be misread!

1. Who Represents is where you can find the name of the agent that represents any celebrity. Their Web site is www.whorepresents.com
   
2. Experts Exchange is a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views at www.expertsexchange.com
   
3. Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island at www.penisland.net
   
4. Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder at www.therapistfinder.com
   
5. There's the Italian Power Generator Company at www.powergenitalia.com
   
6. And don't forget the Mole Station Native Nursery in New South Wales www.molestationnursery.com
   
7. If you're looking for IP computer software, there's always www.ipanywhere.com
   
8. The First Cumming Methodist Church Web site is www.cummingfirst.com
   
9. And the designers at Speed of Art await you at their wacky Web site,
   www.speedofart.com